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Obama's New Year's Message to Chinese
28 December 2009

Barack Obama recently announced proudly to the world that he has studied the Art of War and put these ancient Chinese military strategies into practice. So it is said that he is now preparing a speech to Chinese people through Chinese Foreign Ministry, to thank their ancestors for giving him a valuable knowledge. The following is the alleged draft of the speech:

First of all, I wish you all a happy new year. Secondly, I have a dream, that I need to borrow a route from you to attack your neighbours, a way to getting my foot in your door, so one day when I have eliminated your neighbours, I can turn your home into a new battle field and crash you, my ultimate foe, with ease.

Of course, by now I wouldn't say this to you openly, I respect your intelligence. So I would just say this: Hi buddy, you are my friends, please let me get into your home to kill your neighbours in your backyard. I reiterate, I only want to get rid of your neighbours; I won't do anything to you. Trust me, 'cause I'm the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, which is an award that speaks to Americans' highest aspirations - that for all the cruelty and hardship of winning the war against your neighbours (and against you, oops, I won't say this bit right now), we are not mere prisoners of fate.

And yet I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the considerable controversy that my sincere request to enter your backyard has generated. In part, this is because I am at the beginning, and not the end, of my study of the Art of War. Compared to some of the giants of history who mastered this art - Zhang Liang, Zhu Geliang, Liu Ji, Zhou Enlai and especially Mao Zedong - my accomplishments are slight (I'm moved by my own humility).

Still, I would like to remind you the fact that I am the Commander-in-Chief of a nation in the midst of conquering the whole world through the military actions.

So as you can see, we are at war, and I am responsible for the deployment of thousands of American killers to slay your neighbours that are so far away from my home and so close to your home (so you've got an idea, but I double if you would be smart enough to comprehend.).

Though I've received a prize for peace, I would more prefer to talk about war. To Americans, the morality of war has never been questioned (no need for that); it is simply a way of our life, like eating fastfood and sex outside marriage - with which we seek power and settle differences among us (with guns) and with others (with bombs).

Over time, as we gradually realised that warmongers are regarded as war criminals in a civilised world, the term of "just war" emerged, suggesting that war is justified when it meets certain preconditions: if it is waged by America and its allies for pre-empty attack; if the United States has a reasonable chance to win, and if, it doesn't cost us arms and legs (physically and financially). As for whether the civilians in our enemy country can be spared from violence, I tell you, it is not in our concern, regardless of its possibility. Why? Because the civilians are the mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters of the enemy combatants and they have bred, nurtured and supported the evil forces thus they deserve to bear the consequences.

I hope you can bear one more fact in mind, that the capacity of America to think up new ways to kill people proved inexhaustible, as did America's capacity to exempt from mercy those who look different or pray to a different God, or not to pray to any god. Hence we replaced wars between armies from the north and from the south to wars between nations in the West and in the East and in the middle, and blurred the distinction between combatant and civilian by escalating the battles to total wars. In the span of sixty years, such carnage repeatedly engulfed the East and the Middle, in Korea, in Vietnam, in Iraq and in Afghanistan, and much more. And while it is hard to conceive of a cause more just than the defeat of the commies and the axis of evils, these were conflicts in which the total number of civilians who died exceeded the number of soldiers who perished. But so be it.

In the wake of the nuclear age, America led the way in constructing an architecture to keep wars manageable: it is the mechanism to govern the treaties to protect America's rights to owe most dangerous weapons than anyone else and restrict other nations from breaching our God-given weapon rights.

In many ways, these efforts succeeded (please refer to arms embargo against your country). Yes, terrible wars have been initiated and atrocities committed by Americans. But there has been no Third World War, so far. And the Cold War will also end when jubilant crowds from the West dismantle the Great Walls in your country, which is a symbol of barrier to American Dream that should be shared by all living beings on Earth .

I believe such a day will come in my generation, probably in my term of presidency, if you allow me to put my feet in your door and gain access to your backyard. I'm pleased to hear that your Foreign Ministry is discussing the feasibility of my request, and a certain individual in the field has already promised to us that he will turn your nation into my running dog without wagging tail to frighten me - "中国应该夹着尾巴做人，再韬光养晦一千年都没问题", I believe this is his original words, and I appreciate his offer. I hope a positive outcome can be reached in America's favour, earlier rather than later, for I'm a busy man and a busy man doesn't have much patience to wait. Yes, you can do that - for that is the story of American Empire progress; that is the hope for some of Chinese, like Mr Liu, Mr Wu and many other misters and mistresses; and at this moment of challenge, that must be your work here in 2010, and that must be your New Year's Resolution Number One.

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